I sometimes wish my worrying mind had an off button.
I took my son for his one-year check up today. We happily strolled into the office, no concerns. Until the doctor looks into my son's ears (as we held the poor screaming child down) and informs me that he has an ear infection. Quite common, I realize, but what concerns me is that I have no idea how long the poor child has had it. He seems the same as any other day. Also, as my son squirms on the table to get away from this strange man's probing hands, the doctor informs me that he "can't find" his right testicle. That it must have "slipped back up", but that I should make sure I can "find it" later. Right. No problem doc.
So we get a script for an antibiotic and are sent on our way. No biggie right? Well not quite. Now I have to worry about my son getting an antibiotic for the first time and having an allergic reaction. Or experiencing side-effects like diarrhea or thrush. Or that I won't be able to find his poor hiding testicle and it will be lost forever.
So I spend the afternoon on the computer researching which drug reactions to watch for and what to do about them, and where to find missing testicles. And deciding if I should give him probiotics to prevent the diarrhea and thrush. And what if he's in pain but isn't showing it? Should I give him something for that? And what should I take for the ulcer that is now burning it's way through my stomach lining?
As far as I knew this morning, he wasn't even sick. How, exactly, did I end up here? In my dark, sick, anxiety-laden worrying place? (I don't like it here. I want to go home...).
Believe it or not folks, I'm a nurse. That's right - the one y'all count on to look after sick loved ones. So why is it that when my loved ones are sick my ability to cope (or even think rationally) plummets? Intellectually I know that I can handle whatever illness or emergency the kid will likely throw at me in his lifetime. So why can't I just relax and deal with the problems as they arise? Why must I torture myself with the what-ifs?
Why, oh why can't I be a calm, sane, happy mommy instead of this uptight, neurotic, fearful one?
This will get easier right guys?
*Update*: Just in case you were going to lose sleep over it, I did find his little nut at bathtime, all safe and sound in it's nest.