Boobie blues?

Well I guess I should begin by apologizing for the negativity of my last post.  But in my defense, I started this blog as a sounding board for the part of me that sometimes needs to rant.  Because if I don't, things get ugly.

So for all you folks out there who maybe don't want to read about hormones and female problems, I'll take this opportunity to suggest you skip this particular post.

Is there any one else out there that found their hormones forced them onto an emotional roller coaster when they were weaning??  I wasn't anticipating this.  It's kind of like the way I felt with postpartum blues, only I don't have the excuse of the blues to explain my complete lack of mental stability.  It's worse this week, because I'm about to get my period to boot.  Usually I just feel irritable though, not so....emotional. 

I can't stop crying.  About everything.  And I feel really anxious and worried about things, like in an irrational way.  And I'm grouchy.  I feel a little crazy.

Everyone tells me that I should give myself a break because I just started back to work and have a lot on my plate and all that, but I honestly don't think this has anything to do with being back at work.  In fact, I feel better when I'm at work because I'm busy.

Anyway, just wondering if this is something other people have experienced?  I'm still nursing a couple times a day, so we haven't completely weaned yet, and I'm worried this will get worse when we do.

On a completely unrelated note, I don't seem to have much time left for blogging with everything else that's going on these days, so I'm a little concerned about the future of this journal.  We shall see.

Timing is everything

Tomorrow's the big day - officially back to work.  I've been busy getting ready:

Wean baby from breast...check.
Find daycare...check.
Get haircut...check.
Find things to wear other than pajamas...check.
Get the worst cold I've had in years...check.
Give it to the baby...check.

Oh yeah, and did I mention that we're in the middle of building the house?  To make matters worse the little guy is really NOT adjusting to daycare very well - we're having some pretty crazy separation anxiety issues (but that's another story). 

So the poor little monkey's been coughing and snotting and crying all over the place, as have I, and neither of us have slept more than a couple of hours at a time in days.  My sinuses, ears, and eyeballs feel like they're going to all simultaneously explode snot everywhere.  I can't take cold medicine because I'm trying to keep my milk supply up enough to breastfeed at least once or twice a day and apparently decongestants will dry up your milk.  And I have to get up and go to work in the morning for the first time in a year and a half.  JOY.

Because that's just how I like to do things, you know?  Go big or go home.  If I'm gonna be stressed out I might as well make it a good one and just pile all the shit up at once.

I wonder if this is a sign that I shouldn't be going back to work at all...

Goodnight.  I'm going to bed to lay awake and attempt to sleep breathe.

Changes

I've been offered the job I've been waiting for since I started working as a nurse - a Monday to Friday that will mean NO MORE SHIFT WORK!!  So it was a big decision, but I've decided to go back to work full time after all.  Considering the long-term, it was an opportunity I couldn't pass up.  But I'm still very sad and nervous to be leaving my little monkey...    

This also means that the time has finally come for me to face the challenge of weaning my son from breastfeeding.  It's been almost 16 months, and aside from the initial HELL of the first week or so (you breastfeeding moms out there know what I'm talking about), and a few ignorant remarks, I've enjoyed every day of it.  This part, however, I'm dreading.

You know how they tell you right from early on not to let your baby get in the habit of nursing to sleep?  Yeah well they obviously didn't have babies that woke up during the night.  When his eczema or ears are bad, my little guy can wake up as many as 7 or 8 times a night.  And let me tell you, when you're that sleep deprived you don't give a shit what the experts say, and you will do whatever it takes to get your child to sleep.  Consequently, he won't go sleep without it (or without me).  So clearly this change is not going to be easy.

So far though, he's been pretty readily accepting soy milk in a bottle (since he's allergic to dairy), and I'm hopeful that things will continue to go smoothly.  I will miss breastfeeding dearly, but I am REALLY looking forward to being able to eat dairy again, not to mention indulging in a few glasses of wine.  I'm also looking forward to wearing a normal bra again.  Because lets face it - this is not sexy:

Got the mac and cheese blues

Did you know that everything that is yummy has cheese or milk in it?  And I can't have it?

I'm on a strict dairy-free diet due to my son's milk allergy.  So as long as I'm breastfeeding him I'm not allowed to eat anything good.  Although I'd do anything for him, I can't help but feel a little sorry for myself - especially this time of year when comfort food becomes my lifeline until spring. 

Sure it was hard not having ice cream and milkshakes this summer, but now I'm missing out all the warm fall foods that require cheese, butter, and cream to be yummy.  I'm dreaming about lasagna, fettuccine alfredo, a big fat cheeseburger, cream soups with grilled cheese sandwiches, baked potatoes with sour cream and butter, pizza....mmmmpizza.  And I would literally KILL if someone tempted me with homemade mac and cheese.  

cheesy goodness

And CHOCOLATE...what I would do for some chocolate.  I think I'd eat a chocolate boot right about now.  In fact, I'd eat a cheese boot too.  And if I have to watch my husband savour another steaming cup of coffee with cream, I think I might stab him in the eye.  Sorry, honey. 

I'm trying to remind myself that I'm doing myself a healthy favour by avoiding all the fatty, high-calorie food...but who am I kidding?  I want it.  I need it. 

How's a girl supposed to stay warm in Canada without packin' on a few pounds for the winter?    

Got (breast)Milk?

I apologize in advance, but I need to rant.  Deal.

So my son is officially over the one year mark that - according to North American societal norms and the baby food companies - indicates it's time to start weaning him from breastfeeding.  Well I'm not weaning yet.  That's right, I'm still nursing my 24 pound toddler 4 times a day.  DEAL.  (Sorry...I'm a little sensitive about this).

I was not prepared for the pressure (from family, strangers, the media, my own imagination) to STOP breastfeeding.  It seems like breastfeeding is strongly encouraged up to a point, but after that it's not really accepted by society.  You become "one of those" moms.  You know, the vegan ones with dreadlocks and hairy armpits who swear by 'the family bed' and breastfeed until their kids are 5 (please know that I'm not judging or making fun, it's just a stereo-type I'm trying to describe).

I hear:
"You're still breastfeeding?"
"Doesn't he have teeth?"
"It's time to stop when they can ask for it."
"If you breastfeed too long he'll remember it and be emotionally damaged."
"Doesn't he eat real food yet?"

F--- off!  You ignorant mother fu......(sigh).  Sorry.  Still a little touchy.

I'd like to clear a few things up: 

• Yes,  he has teeth.  No, he doesn't bite me when he's nursing.  (But he bites everything else.)
• I have clean hair, and hairless armpits, and I eat meat.
• My son sleeps in his crib, mostly.
• He will not remember feeding from my breast.
• If he learns to ask for it without whining or crying, then frankly my life will get a lot easier.
• He eats real food several times a day.

The truth is, I didn't expect that I would be continuing to breastfeed into the second year.  I didn't expect that my tiny baby would violently vomit for hours anytime I tried to give him a bottle of formula.  I didn't expect him to start having problems with eczema and ear infections.  And as he approached his first birthday, I didn't expect to learn that he was allergic to dairy (which, by the way, is in everything they make for babies).   Continuing to breastfeed is the best thing I can do to help him overcome these problems.

Consider the facts (and forgive me, as I don't mean to preach):

• breastfed children benefit nutritionally
• breastfeeding into the second and third years is healthy and NORMAL in most parts of the world
• breastfed children get sick less often
• they have fewer allergies
• they develop normally psychologically, emotionally, and socially (some research indicates they are more well-adjusted) 

If you can't sustain breastfeeding or choose not to, then there's no harm done.  But if you can, then why not?  And what's with the pressure to wean kids to cow's milk anyway?  What's natural about that?  If babies still require nutrients they can only get from milk, why does society insist we use milk from cows?  Doesn't anyone else think this is a little odd?  Why do I even have to explain this to people??

Okay, I'm feeling a little better having gotten that off my chest (no pun intended).  I hope I didn't sound like a breastfeeding pamphlet, because I'm all for mom's having the choice.  Ultimately, I think we all do our best and want the same thing - happy, healthy babies, and sane moms. 

So kindly get off my case, m'kay?